sur·ren·der| \sə-ˈren-dərto yield to the power, control, or possession of another
upon compulsion or demand.
“I’m having a really hard night, and idk who else to talk to”.
As my eyes scrolled over the text, I knew an SOS when I read one. One of my dearest friends is a lot like me; she feels deeply, feels often, and sometimes drowns in those feels. Today was the anniversary of a trauma that happened to her physical body. Years later, she had gained many accomplishments and life transitions, but she still felt the reverberations in her body and emotions of what had happened to her. I think she reaches out to me because we hear and see each other in those darker spaces without ever defining the other by those moments.
Over the years we have become each others buoys; something to grab ahold of to remind us that we’re connected, to help us get a few more gulps of air in our lungs before the next wave of emotion hits.
‘I feel like I’m crazy; like I’m too much for everyone. Like I should just sit alone with my “a lot-ness”’. The negative thoughts had her spiraling, thinking that if she shared this experience with anyone she would just be plaguing them with her “crazy”-ness.
She’s not crazy. She’s crazy intuitive, almost like she has antennas rooted all the way to the core of the earth picking up on the vibrations of everything around her. She is deeply spiritual and in touch with her ancestors, so much so that I think sometimes she feels things for her ancestors generations later, things that maybe they didn’t have the words for.
As I remind her of this, being her buoy, I do what we have done for each other since the first time we met. I remind her that you don’t have to swim against the current of what you feel. Sometimes you don’t even have to try so hard to swim somewhere else; you can just float. Just be where you are.
By the end of the conversation we were both teary eyed with laughter and sadness, because, we feel a lot. I was reminded of an intention that I keep coming back to: surrender.
Surrender to what you feel, because there is a lesson and message behind it. Surrender to as many moments as you can, even if they’re uncomfortable, because a moment doesn’t define your whole experience and is an opportunity to listen deeper for meaning, and for what you need. Surrender because when we struggle against whatever experience we’re having, we often lose our breath and our energy.
I say all that to say that I hope you find buoys in your life, whether it’s the people that really see you see you, the art that helps you feel heard and understood, or that deep enclave within your own solitude where it’s safe to feel what’s there. But please, don’t think you’re crazy. And do not be defined or self-judged by any moments of struggle; allow yourself to feel what’s there, until the next moment.