It's a sunny, quiet Saturday morning and I roll over to see my cat's butt in my face and the time on my phone, clear as day, because my phone is dry AF.
This comes as a relief for once, rather than some negative message about myself . That dopamine loop from last blog? I figured out the cheat code to mine. I built new habits centered around how to feel more connected to myself and to keep my own energy vibrating higher. I wanted to share these habits with you guys, in case there is anyone else who has struggled with being content on their own. And don't get me wrong, a healthy partnership can be a beautiful vehicle to self growth in ways that you can't do on your own; but even within a relationship I think it's important to not lose sight of yourself. To remain grounded, and to not rely on someone else to "save you" from the parts of you or life that are hard to deal with. That's a very different kind of connection than one driven by fear or lack, which can sound like the mindset of "I NEED you to feel complete/worthy/validated".
I am learning to transmute my fear of being disappointed in relationships to an attitude of abundance: if I pour love and acceptance into myself, there will always be enough to go around, and it will spill over and touch whoever is close to me in my life. If a romantic partner comes along that connects to that and we can share positive, loving energy together, then great! But until then there is this state of contentment knowing that I have within me all the love that I need.
Now all this sounds good, but I had to get really intentional about how to do this for myself. I had to find my inner bae, appreciate my inner bae, and date the shit out of her because she deserves it.
Step 1. Spend time alone! Sacrifice distractions.
This is pretty self explanatory. I knew I needed to work on me to get to the place I wanted to be emotionally and spiritually, so I took a break from spending time with romantic interests. It's amazing how much extra time and energy I had to focus on developing myself, my family and friend relationships, and my purpose in my work.
Step 2. Self examination.
Journalled every damn day. Meditated every morning. I needed this to get clear on where I have been and where I want to go; if we are not aware of these things we are vulnerable to repeating old patterns and behaviors that don't serve us and don't match up with what we say we want in our lives!
Step 3. Access your love/light.
For me, it's teaching yoga and feeling the energy of the students in the room. It's laughing with a friend until tears run down my face. It's visiting my parents and really taking in how much they mean to me. Seeing the magic in feeling gratitude for all these connections that I have that I sometimes take for granted because they are so much a part of my daily routine. Find what makes you light up and get lost in the moment and do it as often as possible!
Step 4. Treat yoself.
I made a bucket list of things I wanted to do for myself, by myself. I bought myself fresh flowers once a week. I looked at myself in the mirror, in the eyes, and hit on myself (lol, for real though, I told myself how beautiful I am and that I love myself). I made a self care playlist, got out some bath salts, and made a self care evening for myself. I ate healthy food and kept going to the gym as a way to treat my body well. I ordered hot wings and cannollis when my soul craved them. I learned how well I can take care of myself when I'm not waiting for someone else to do it for me.
Step 5. Let go of what doesn't serve you.
By taking more time for myself I allowed myself to gain closure about things in the past (which continues to be a work in progress). It's interesting once you start really taking care of yourself emotionally and physically, you can feel when situations or people don't serve your growth. Learning to say no, learning to set limits, learning to love from a distance, are all parts of loving yourself.
Step 6. Surrender.
I structured this time to myself, but also learned in the process that I can't plan it all. I can't plan how this journey is going to look. I can do these things I've learned work for me to love myself, but ultimately part of this whole thing is letting go and trusting that if I am putting out good energy than whatever is meant for me will come my way.
Growth is never linear, alot of times we take a couple steps foward and life throws us something that seemingly makes us go backwards. I don't have control over what life throws at me (part of surrendering, right?), but I'm figuring out how to make sure inner bae is feeling loved so that the steps are a little easier for her.
What is holding you back from dating your inner bae? And what can you do to take better care of you?
Love and light,
Chelle